#Why I Didn’t Report

Because i was a baby
Because it started before i was three
Because i was four and he said he’d kill me
Because i was a child and didn’t know
Because i was 13, he was the father of the kids i babysat and
He told me i’d get arrested for prostitution
Because i was 14 and he was my surgeon
Assaulting me in the ER before my appendectomy
Because i was 15 and he was my teacher and a member of the
Mormon Tabernacle Choir and no one would believe me
Because i loved him and i thought he would kill himself
Because he was my uncle, my mother’s brother
Because he was my hero
My priest
My brother
My father
Because he worked at the FBI
Because i didn’t want to break my mother’s heart
Because i couldn’t break my parents’ hearts
Because i didn’t want my father to commit murder
Because he threatened me if i ever told
Because i was drunk and drugged and passed around
Like a fuckin’ bong
Because i’m still scared now that telling will be worse than keeping silent
Because i knew what i would face:  A justice system that wouldn’t protect me and
A society that wouldn’t believe me
I still remember his smell