Cross At Your Own Risk - A Rap by DJ TazzieDog

Think your path has consequence?
Well, there is none
To one whose quick glance
Sees only a chance to
Step on the gas.
Impatient to gun it
From stop sign, to run it
Their radar will plummet
To flatline you on it

Be careful curbside
Those text talk eyes
Lured by off road chatter
A gad about mad hatter
Wouldn't notice your splatter
You simply don't matter
Don't you get that?
Your shiny shoes
Your bags from Whole Foods
Tattered in a nano-second
Less than...
'Cause you're a pedestrian
The crosswalk is no friend.

Mad Donald

I was hoping to avoid the mention of Donald Trump in this, the 2016, election cycle. Like many other potential voters, I didn't take him seriously, in no small part due to his head-to-toe overall offensiveness. But, more notably, he just seemed like a joke; a publicity hound trying to bolster his lagging brand plastered on many-a-bogus businesses, with the ultimate PR stunt of throwing his hat, in this case a red baseball style one, into the proverbial presidential ring.With the media obliging by giving him all the free publicity a candidate could possibly want, his bantam cock antics went unchallenged.

There has been a rich history of joke candidates for various offices, including the highest, in this country. One of the most consistent of these characters is our beloved and iconic Mickey Mouse, who first popped up in the New York mayoral race of 1932, still a wee fellow of just four years. Mickey received just one vote in that race, tying with the infamous Al Capone. In 1960 in a Georgia congressional race a gorilla named Willie B. received 390 votes, outplaying Mickey, although the versatile mouse still had a presence. In fact, so prolific was Mickey's presence in Georgia politics that its legislature found it necessary in 1987 to pass a law that stated, "voters in Georgia would no longer be allowed to vote for Mickey Mouse in state election."

Mad Magazine, the satirical mainstay for all things tongue and cheek APB'd the voting public to consider Alfred E. Neuman, its fictitious freckle-faced and cheshire-grinning mascot cover boy, as a write-in candidate for every U.S. Presidential election from 1960 to 1980. Using slogans like, "You could do worse--and you already have," and "There are bigger idiots running for office," the magazine was quick to point out who the real clowns were. Hint: Not Alfred E. Neuman.

And yes, there appears to be a bigger idiot running now and the joke is running thin. To take "The Donald" as a serious opponent to Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders makes me want to choke midway through a hard swallow. The only difference between Donald Trump and Mickey Mouse running for office, other than the obvious that one is a contemptible abomination of a human and the other is a classy cartoon mouse and one appears to represent his party and the other a write-in, is that one was a presumed joke and the other an obvious joke. Now, the joke may be on us.

On Being A Pedestrian

Drab, dreary, drudging, dull, all words that point to a pedestrian existence. Of course, there is another meaning for "pedestrian", one more commonly used, which is a "walker", someone who puts one foot in front of the other to deftly navigate around cars, bikes, trash cans and other assorted obstacles that might impact the propulsion from point A to point B.

What I believe has happened, in my experience as a pedestrian, walking from home to shuttle and back home again, on a daily basis, is the two meanings have co-joined and become a vision of a drab, dreary, drudgingly dull loser who walks. These people are just one rung higher than "homeless" and are irritating to drivers who have much more important things to do than wait for the drudging dullard to walk across the crosswalk, even though the light is green. For God's sake, what is this stupid pedestrian thinking? Trudging across the road, taking her good sweet time, schlepping shopping bags. How very pedestrian of that pedestrian.

The lack of respect by drivers to walkers, coupled with the cellphone distraction factor drivers seem to be attentive to makes it a land mine path of side-stepping and second guessing for all astute pedestrians and a possible trip to the morgue for those walkers unaware they are hot-footing it through a war zone. So, here are a few tips on how to successfully ped through the urban jungle without being flattened by a Hummer.

1. If walking with shopping bags, make sure they are emblazoned with the Whole Foods logo; this makes it look like you have money and could afford a car, thus gaining a possible place on the driver's radar.
2. If the pedestrian's light is green and a driver is stopped ready to turn right on his/her red light, assume the driver doesn't see you or your Whole Foods bags and go behind said driver's car or possible pancake experience may ensue.
3. Never, ever cross the street without first getting eye contact from any stopped drivers. If said car is tinted and you can't see the driver's eyes, go behind said car or possible pancake situation may arise.
4. If driver's eyes are looking down assume driver is texting and go behind that car and that lame driver in order to avoid, you guessed it, pancake.
5. Any truck, especially if jacked up, go behind. You can automatically assume truck drivers do not see you because you are a pedestrian and a low-life like you is invisible and said driver is so jacked up on testosterone that his eyes are either crossed or focused on Tinder for a quick score.
6. Any car stopped in a crosswalk you can assume that the asshole driver would love to take you out, so go around.
7. Assume any driver stopped and waiting for you to get your ass across the crosswalk is either, 1. using that opportunity to text so not paying attention or, 2. Hating your guts for being so slow and keeping him/her from making it to happy hour prices at the local craft brewery down the street. So, hurry along and look paranoid as though you could be flattened any second, because you could.
8. Any time you are waiting at a light and it turns green, do not cross until you are certain all cars have come to their typical screeching halt, look all around and make a dash for it to the nearest sidewalk.

If you follow these few simple rules of the pavement you will enjoy your experience as a drudging, trudging pedestrian much more and will live to walk another day. After all, it's fun to walk.